Gaaye aur Duniya k Masail

Kafi taweel research k bad hum nay bil-akhir yeh maloom kiya hai aur is nateejay pur pohanch hi gaye k duniya k tamam masail ki judr gaaye hai.

Wesay to bohat si kism ki gayen hoti hain. Kali, peeli, neeli, laal, huri. Kher shayad huri to na hoti ho pur hum say puchnay wala kaun hai. Phir kuch gosht denay wali gayen hoti hain to kuch doodh denay wali. Kuch Amreeka main moo kurti hain to kuch Pakistan main baa. Kuch insan numa gayen hoti hain to kuch bechari Allah mian ki gayen hoti hain. Laikin hum un ki bat nahi kurnay walay. Hum bat kurnay walay hain muqaddas gaaye ki.

Acha ek taraf to hamaray Hindu bhai hain jin k liye to tamam gayen hi muqaddas hoti hain na. Chalo bhai un ki murzi beshak woh jis cheez ko poojain. Kum uz kum woh doodh to deti hain. To dusri taraf aisay bi bhai hain jo bina doodh wali gaaye ko poojtay hain. Aur un ki gayen bi makhsoos hoti hain. Aur yehi gayen asal 'muqaddas gayen' kehlati hain.

Wesay to in ki bazat e khud kayi iksam hoti hain aur un sub ki cheeda cheeda muqaddas khasoosiat hum agay arz kurtay hain pur in sub ki kuch khas khasoosiat sharif hain jo in tamam main aam hoti hain woh yeh k in k poojnay walon ka bus chalay to baki sari duniya ki gayen khatam kur dain aur sara chara apni muqaddas gaaye ko khila k dekar bi na lain. Kher kha jo gaaye rahi hai to dekar bi usi ka bunta hai is liye hum is pur zyada aitraaz nahi karain gay. Pur un ka khayal hota hai k jitnay josh o kharosh say woh apni gaaye ki pooja kurtay hain utnay josh o kharosh say koi dusra nahi kurta. Aur jitni muqaddas o khoobsurat un ki gaaye hai utni koi aur gaaye ho hi nahi sukti, Masha'Allah say. Isi liye sirf un ki gaaye kisi sawal jawab say mawara hai.

Muqaddas gaaye ki iksam ki taraf ayen to un main sub say mashoor gaaye shayad mazhabi gaaye hai. Laikin is ki bi kayi iksam hoti hain. Koi darhi wali gaaye hoti to koi choghay wali. Koi tilak wali gaaye to koi cross wali. Pur ap kya soch rahay hain bat yahin khatam ho jati hai? Soch hai ap ki. Ab darhi wali gaaye ko hi lay lijiye, ek gaaye hath bandh k khudri hoti hai to dusri hath khole k. Acha phir khas is gaaye k pujarion ki khas bat yeh hai k hur pujari bi ek gaaye hota hai. Aur yeh sub gayen khuda ki khas gayen hoti hain apni nazar main. Hamaray to yehi pallay nahi pudrta k ek khuda ki karodron khas gayen kaisay ho sukti hain jub k hur muqaddas gaaye dusri gaaye say mukhtalif hoti hai. Ya phir shayad sub k apnay apnay khuda houn gay.

Acha chalo hum tumhari bat hi maan letay hain. To hamara bi to koi khuda hai k nahi? Nahi, kyun k khuda nay duniya ki thekaydari in ki khas gaaye k hath day rakhi hai. Jo jannat aur jahanum k ticket bechti hai. Aur chunkay hum gaaye ko nahi poojtay is liye hamaray liye jahanum ka ticket muft main bheja jata hai. Woh bi bagher delivery charges. Pur yehi ager jannat ka ticket lena hota to hamain muqaddas gaaye k samnay sajday kurnay pudrtay, paon choomnay pudrtay aur chupkay say gaaye k chumchay ko 10,000 pukdranay pudrtay tub jannat milti. Susti to hai wesay. Kher to na hi hamaray pass jannat ka ticket hai aur na hi hamara khuda pay koi huq hai. Thek hai bhai. Acha han yeh batana to hum bhool hi gaye k jo aisi azeem gayen hoti hain un say mazeed gayen bi paida hoti hain jaisay mullah gaaye, padri gaaye, prohit gaaye, pundit gaaye, waghera waghera.

Muqaddas gaaye ki ek aur qisam quomi gaaye bi hoti hai. Mazhabi gaaye ki tarah is gaaye ki bi iksam hoti hain. Jin main Pakistan main sub say mashoor qisam hai fauji gaaye ki. Yeh gaaye soap aur fauji soap ko mila k un main say soap nikalnay say bunti hai. Jub k ek aur mashoor qisam ki gaaye siyasi gaaye hai. Yeh dono iksam ki gayen thodri si hoti hain aur in k pujari becharay bholay bhalay jazbati loge. Murtay bi yehi hain laikin phir akhir main gaaye ko hi sara faida utha k day detay hain. Koi in ki gaaye, khas kur fauji gaaye, pur bat karay to woh fauri taur pur ghaddar, buzdil aur darpoke sabit ho jata hai. Jo sath main haram khore aur tax chore to pedaishi hota hi hai.

Acha fauji gaaye ki to zyada iksam nahi hain kyun woh sari iksam ko apnay khas booton talay rukhti hai pur siyasi gaaye ki iksam main metro gaye, change gaye, cyclee gaye, London maendeki gaye aur Canadian darhi wali gaye waghera waghera shamil hain.

London maendeki ko jub pani say nikala jata hai to us k pujari karodron logon ka khana bund kur detay hain, Canadian darhi wali gaye ki doum pur koi paon rukhta to woh apnay pujarion ki bali lay leti hai. Change gaye pur kuch bola jaye to pujarion ki cheekhain nikal jati hain aur metro gaye aur us k pujari bus ek dusray k ser k baal ginnay main masroof reh jatay hain. Zaleel bechari Pakistani gaaye ho jati hai.

Ilawa azeen senkdron qism ki aur gayen bi hoti hain. Jaisay media gaaye, adlia gaaye, democracy gaaye, capitalism gaaye, communism gaaye, sciencee gaaye, azadi gaaye waghera waghera jin ka nam lay k un k pujari dusron ko chota, kum aqal, bewakuf, gudha aur gaaye sabit kurnay ki koshishon main din rat masroof rehtay hain aur hum bus Allah mian ki gaaye bun k dekhtay rehtay hain ya pujari bun k lagay rehtay hain.

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The Right Thing To Do

I am never confused. I always know what is the right thing to do. So let me tell you the right thing to do as well. Then we can all be doing the right thing to do.

Even if you might not know, there are different kinds of right things to do in different kinds of situation for the same kind of circumstances. So I will tell you the right sorta thing to do in the different sorta circumstances for the same sorta situations.

You must talk talks, talksey talks; say my name is Taliban Khan and I am talks. Drone the drones, drooney drones, bad bad 'Murican drones.

Forget and make the world forget how poor poor Pakistani Muslim brothers harboring innocent innocent Afghan, Uzbek, Tajik Muslim brothers spawned from cool schools of madaresahs, setup by righteous Pakistan, fueled by blood of the Pakistani middle classes, paid for by the brotherly Saudis, trained by the evil Americans, were used for the glorious acts of Islamic Jihad to damage Soviet, Indian and Afghan interests and for furthering Pakistani, American and Saudi interests in Afghanistan, helping free Kashmir and conducting mumbai attacks. It was a great Jihad for the glory of Islam and Pakistan. Forget it, forget it, forget it!

Once the talks begin you must say I am Taliban Khan and talks are useless. Yes, useless and will fail. Say Taliban are brothers. Say how they are feeling abandoned, abandoned like bombs created and placed in the backyard with kids. But you must not defuse the bombs. They are holy bombs and they only want to enforce holy Shariah. Holy Shariah by wholly blowing the kids into holy pieces.

Once your so farsighted predictions of talks failing comes true and military does what it does best and Taliban start wetting their pants, show pictures of children from Afghanistan and Syria to prove how bad Pakistan army is. When that doesn't work. Say alas, drones were much better. They weren't so accurate and mostly killed civilians, our holy leaders' pants remained clean. Now they stink, eww.

Finally and quite suddenly when the poor and innocent, abandoned and holy Muslim brothers-in-shariah turn upon their Shariah loving Muslim brothers and masters becoming Indian RAW agents using Indian arms and ammunition and bearing Indian injections. Not wearing Salwar Qameez and not having beards, forget the one Pakistani boy too young to sport a beard, and impress upon yourself and world how Islam and Pakistan has nothing to do with it! Its all India. It was not Pakistan which created Taliban or failed to neutralize them, it was Indian and Afghan money which made them holy agents of India and Afghanistan against the holy land of Pakistan. So it is not a holy Islamic Jihad, its a dirty dirty carnage.

Lets forget our own meagre disease and look at Indian injections. Taliban are Muslim brothers! And of course my name is Taliban Khan and government has failed to protect the important Installations of Pakistan.

I am never confused. I always know what is the right thing to do. And I am telling you the right thing to do as well. So we could all be doing the right thing to do.

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Always Remember The Dinosaur's Piss and Shakespeare's Farts

Frustration, depression, anxiety, fear, anger, stress, disappointments, loneliness, hunger.

Why do I have to sleep on an empty stomach? Why can't I have sex? Why can't I have a better place to sleep, a fan, perhaps, like those rich people have? Some clean water may be, I am a human for Pete's sake!

My roof drips in rain, flies away in a windstorm; my small room burns up in summer and freezes down in winter. Why can't I just have a motorbike to travel? Why do I have to ride a bicycle? Why can't I get a reasonable job just enough to live respectfully?

Why can't I have a car? An air conditioner, a heater? A better job? Why do I have to listen to 10 bosses, and be degraded by all,  including the customers? Don't I deserve some respect? Some degree of peace?

What of my children? How would they study? How would she marry? How can I find good match for her?

I am lonely having none who would love me or whom I could love. No friends with whom to share. No lover to speak of. No one wants to marry me. Or even think about me. I am insignificant. Or may be I am not insignificant I am very special but this world does not value it. Why don't my parents allow me to go out with my friends? I have neither the time nor the energy to have fun after a 12 hours shift at work.

I am ugly, I am fat; I am too thin. Why the f**k do I have this small forehead which makes me my face and hairs look all weird? Large forehead can you please go away? God, Why did you have to give me these small pesky breasts?! And why the heck did one have to be smaller than the other? Why is my belly all flabby, no matter what I try! Why can't I be thin?

Why am I black? What did I ever do to deserve this? Why couldn't I have been white like those gori chitti girls? Why am I weak unlike those lucky guys born with strong bodies?

Why can't I study what I like? Why can't I get the job I am capable, willing with all my heart to work on?

Such an idiot of a boss, I could have done his job a hundred-fold better. And all he does is shout at me. Order me around. I wish I could set up my own business. Live a peaceful life. Why is my business not working. I have done everything I could but there just aren't enough customers. I need to send my kids to better school, college, university.

He has a Samsung Galaxy s5 and I only an s4. What would he think of me? I need a better phone!

What if they notice I am wearing the same clothes I wore a month ago? I need to fit in, in-fact show that I am better. I need a more expensive watch, better clothes, costly shoes. No style, no class without them.

If anyone is even part-human. They would have thought one of these things, at least, at some point in their life. Everyone is fighting the god-damned battle of life. Everyone is just trying to survive and everyone has to handle as many problems in life as you do.

Every day, each of us gets up to face those disorders above; feel frustrated and angry at our  helplessness; depressed, anxious, fearful of our future; disappointed and stressed out by the day; face loneliness, bear hunger and toil through hardships. All of us want to take it out somewhere, anywhere. Everbody wants to win. Everybody wants peace and pleasure and happiness.

The difference, then, lies in how the heck you do it. A guy in a multi-player game once told me. All of us want to player-kill others that's how you win, that's what we play the game for. The difference lies in how you do it. Some kill the weak. Others kill the one who kill the weak.

So grow a pair of balls and don't try to kill the people you deem weak. Don't take it out on those whom you think are somehow lower than you. You are not cool if you laugh at someone and 10 people laugh with you. You are all just a bunch sadistic a** holes.

No matter what your ego tells you, no matter how beautiful, intelligent or remarkable you think you are if someone is alive and alongside you after passing through the same 14 billion years of evolution, after passing through dinosaur's piss and Shakespeare's farts, as your unworthy atoms did. How do you think you are remarkable and cool as compared to him, again? You are simply not, just not special! Not as compared to any human.

Learn some empathy, show some kindness and next time you think someone is stupid, black, ugly, fat, uncultured or less sophisticated than you. If you deride someone's body or clothes or the things they have no freaking control over and if you ever feel a speck of superiority over others. Just remind yourself that once you might have been nothing but dinosaur's piss and Shakespeare's farts.

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